Fear rules us

or is it the planets, the stars?
Does news media rule us – the truths and lies they tell
our programming, our language constraints or our education
What do we believe – is it truly ours or unthinking programming?
Is our stomach in charge – are we ruled by our biology, our thirst our hunger or our tiredness and need for sleep – or the urgency when you can’t find a public toilet.

Pain rules us?

That sudden stich that makes us double over, or finding that frightening lump – our health – does that rule us – our health?

What rules us – is it our physical needs – or our psychological and emotional needs?
The air we breathe? The earth we stand on? Gravity?
Our family whom we love or hate or are scared to death of – what? What rules us?
Our friends those who stand by us, those who betray us?

The fear of the bomb I have lived with all my life -nuclear antihalation?

Or is it the Gods – do they play dice with our lives, or some other vast unknown game?

The man walking down the nighttime street behind us as your back starts to crawl with his proximity.

What is this fear?

Other people’s pain, the anger and frustration of not being able to do anything to help them in any way.
Running barefoot to the doctor because my grandmother fell
the glint of the surgeons knife.

The heart, the loss, the pain

What do we really fear – this very life – or is it that, we know fear and love are the same – in sun and shadow – What I love brings me fear as I care – and I care deeply – is fear loss and hurt and pain?

I didn’t mean to get this abstract – it is for me a kind of refuge like anger – it deflects the worst of it – the formlessness, the ungraspable nature of fear – I do this so I can function – like counting prime numbers in the dark – absorbing work – full focus on my task – but I have to stay there, senses consumed in the work – drowning rather than feeling.

This earth’s lesson – that we have to live life with a real physical heart – that knows both love and fear.

And know it to be ourselves – and to love this human heart that is with us throughout our lifetime from the first moment till the last breath – knowing that throughout it all I am safe – as this heart will never leave me – not even beyond death. I love my heart.

Yet still we fear – the unknown the unpredictable, another’s cruelty, when we cannot escape – the propaganda that is also in us – so we are, too, bound by it – these things I fear – that I too am bound by propaganda – miseducation – prejudice – ignorance.

and loss.

The endless loss – the endless destruction- meaningless – yes meaningless destruction of all we have ever built together -by those whom appear not to feel either love or pain

or fear

I don’t know what to say

fear

except I want to go home – away from this earth, out of this body – but I also want to stay to see it through to it’s proper conclusion – this specific cycle of life – where I’ve had it quite easy – I see in others that their choices were harder than mine.  My health and my lifetime of thought and education – which not everyone has. Yet this is also what drives me to write about what is not so easy – what my heart says and what my mind knows – of time – of the endless karmic cycle – of what I have witnessed –  what I feel and know. Within the fear of it never being read, of never being believed – to be unheard, unknown, forever –

this – inside this fear

is what I offer

with a real human heart –  because it is all I have.